Warm, Dark Places Are Best Read online

  His ears heard a ‘click’ that sounded like angels singing on high, and the room flooded with a bright, but soft white light.

  Jessica stared at him, like the mad man he appeared to be. His eyes bulging, as he skittered to and fro, frantically scanning every piece of carpet, and along the edge of the wall that was visible.

  “What in the hell is wrong, Carl?” she demanded, in a firm voice, that was trying not to panic at the unknown, or give in to Carl’s own expanding fear, that seemed to be filling the room, inch by inch, with each moment he did not answer her. She was convinced, then, that his fear was seeking to get inside her as well; to infect her.

  “Do you know where the flashlight is?” he yelled at Jessica.

  “Ummmm, yeah. I think so. Why?” She pleaded for an answer.

  “Go get it! Now!” he spat the response as a strict order, and then followed up, knowing her well enough to be sure another question was coming, before she did what he asked. “Just get it, Jessica! No more questions, till that light is in my fucking hand!”

  Jessica scrambled out of the bed, and out into the kitchen, where she tossed the contents of a catch-all drawer all about, till she got her hand on the flashlight. She ran back to the bedroom, turning it on as she went. Carl had just finished picking up the couple of boxes that still hadn’t been unpacked, and tossing them on the bed to see beneath them. He snatched the flashlight from her grip without a word, and threw the closet door open, shining the light every which way, moving shoes and other items around in a flurry, a desperate frenzy of activity to find the offending little creature of God, so he could kill it….with extreme prejudice.

  But as much as he hunted and searched, he could find nothing. No roaches, or anything else for that matter. He finally gave up, and sat down on the edge of the bed. His chest tightened. He hurried over to the nightstand, grabbed the inhaler, and sucked in deeply, as he depressed the button.

  He measured his breaths, nice and steady. The same. Each one the same. One, two, three, IN, HOLD for one, two, three, and EXHALE for one, two, three. Over and over he repeated the cycle he had learned in training, to control adrenaline. Jessica gently scooted over behind him and rubbed his back with one hand, and his hair with the other, waiting silently till he had things under control again. When he was ready to talk, he let out his usual indicatory big sigh.

  Jessica calmly asked him “What were you looking for, baby?”

  “Some fucking bug that was crawling on my shoulder, and woke me up.” He took a big breath, and let it out slowly.

  “What kind, hon?

  “I don’t know. When I reached up, and felt it, I just slung it across the room without thinking. Then I couldn’t find it.”

  Jessica continued to rub his back.

  “You think the roaches finally arrived?” She gave a small, calculated laugh to try and set him more at ease.

  “I don’t think so. It didn’t feel like a roach. It was long, three inches or more maybe…and narrow…and it felt like it had lots of legs. When I grabbed it, it felt like the little fucker curled into a ball almost as I threw him. What the hell does that sound like to you, Jess?”

  Carl turned around to face her for the first time, genuine concern framing his face. She knew how much he hated bugs. Any kind of bug, just about. He didn’t freak at just the sight of them, but if he thought they might get on him, that was a-whole-nother circumstance. DefCon level ONE initiated, immediately. Jess thought about what he described.

  “Well, if we were living out in the country, I’d probably say it sounds like a centipede, and a big one at that, but I didn’t think you would find them here in the inner city.

  More than a bit of terror filled Carl’s eyes, as well as a strong sense of incredulity.

  “A centipede? A fucking centipede?!?!? Are you fucking kidding me, Jess? Seriously, don’t be fucking around with me about this…”

  He tapered off, and waited for her to speak again. She touched his arm, a soft, intentional connection meant to help him calm down.

  “Yes, baby. It really does sound like a centipede, but it could be something else. I tell you what. Let’s sleep with the lights on the rest of the night. Most bugs don’t want to come out in the light. They prefer the dark. Does that sound like a good plan? Hmm.”

  Carl looked her in the eye and dropped his head, ashamed of his fear.

  “Yeah. That sounds like a rational response, babe. Thanks.”

  Carl laid back and pulled the sheet up and turned on his side again, facing away from Jessica. Jessica laid back down as well and rubbed Carl’s back, until he could fall back asleep. The rest of the night was, thankfully, uneventful.

  *****

  Carl used the daylight to prepare, in case it happened again. He put away everything in the boxes, and cleared the floor. He decided he needed a beer around midday, and went to the store to grab one, but only after shaking out his shoes, vigorously. The flashlight was placed on his night stand along with spare batteries in case the current ones failed in the midst of an emergency. He also designated a plastic lunch container to help trap the critter, because he couldn’t just stomp it with no shoes on. But that made him think further, and he took a magazine, rolled it up tight, and wrapped it with some duct tape to keep it closed. This, too, went on the nightstand.

  It was like watching the kid in Fright Night, getting ready to fight the vampire in the final scene. At least that’s what occurred to Jessica as she watched all Carl’s preparations in silence, not saying a judgmental word to him, at all.

  *****

  Carl slept through the night, not waking once, until he began to stir from his slumber, ready to get up. He was lying on his back, his whole body heavy, as he came around in stages. Jessica was already out of bed. He smelled eggs…and pancakes. She’s such a doll, he thought to himself, gratitude for her, filling his heart.

  The next sensation was not so pleasant. He turned his head to look at the clock and his right ear throbbed suddenly with pain. He rubbed the indentation behind that ear, trying to press in on the ear canal where it hurt.

  Something pushed back…and then wriggled about inside his ear.

  Carl’s eyes went wide as he jumped out of bed, ignoring the pain, and ran into the kitchen screaming for Jessica.

  “Jess! Jess! There’s something in my ear! There’s something in my ear! Ooooooooooooo!! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! There’s something in my ear!!!” His voice was so high pitched and whiny, Jessica thought it could have been a kid.

  “What are you saying, Carl? I can’t understand anything but fuck and ear!”

  He sat down at the computer, his right hand still pressed against the back of his ear.

  “There is something…in my ear!” he spat out slower.

  He used his left hand to hunt and peck and do a Google search for ‘What does it feel like to have a centipede in your ear?’ He hit enter and one of the first entries was about a Chinese man who woke up with a centipede in his ear.

  Jess read over his shoulder, and her hand flew to her mouth.

  “Holy shit! You think you have a centipede in your ear, baby?” Her stomach tilted a bit at the thought.

  Carl ignored her as he read, all his focus on this poor man’s tale and whatever similarities they might have. Carl’s free hand covered his own mouth as he gasped.

  “What is it?!? What is it?!?” Jessica was letting his panic contaminate her.

  “I have the exact same symptoms he did. Woke up with pain in my ear and it feels like there’s something wriggling in there! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!”

  Carl jumped to a standing position and began pacing.

  “OOOOOOO GOD!!!! What the fuck am I gonna do now? I’ve got a motherfucking centipede in my ear!!!!” And again, as if he couldn’t believe it himself, “I’ve got a moth-er fuck-ing centipede in my ear Jess!!!”

  Carl’s whole body trembled, and his knees nearly buckled, completely. He turned in circles rubbing his ear. Jess quickly read the rest of the short article.r />
  “They said the guy went to the hospital, and a doc pulled it out with some forceps. We’ve got to take you to the ER. Get dressed.”

  “FUUUUUUUCK!!!” Carl shouted at the top of his lungs. “We can’t afford it. We don’t have any fucking insurance, yet! Is there anything you can do here?”

  Carl whined, as he asked for help, a trembling falsetto having overtaken his vocal cords. A tightness constricted his chest, also, as if some boa constrictor was wrapped tight around his torso, intent on killing him. He couldn’t breathe.

  “Hold on!” Jess exclaimed, as she pulled up YouTube, and typed into the search bar. She quickly found what she was looking for, to confirm her thoughts. She heard the thump of Carl’s body collapsing into the recliner, and the ever too-familiar wheezing noises, before even turning around. She didn’t even look at him, just ran to the bedroom, and returned with his inhaler, holding it to his mouth, and administering the dose.

  “Breathe, baby. Just calm down, and breathe. It’s going to be ok. Just breathe, slow and steady. Breathe. Alright, I want you to lay down on your side, that ear up.” She pointed at his right ear, as she helped him lay the recliner back, and eased him onto his left side.

  “Alright, baby, just keep breathing, while I grab something.” She scampered into the bathroom, grabbed tweezers then hurried into the kitchen to grab a cup of water and a dish towel. She returned, and moved about at a steady pace, implementing her plan. Jessica laid the dish towel around Carl’s ear, set the tweezers down on his shoulder, pulled his ear lobe out to open up the ear canal and started pouring water into it a little at the time.

  Carl startled at the water entering his ear.

  “What are you doing?” he questioned her actions, trusting Jessica, but wanting her to make it make sense to him.

  “I saw a video, awhile back, of a doctor getting a spider to crawl out of a kid’s ear by pouring water in it, till the spider had to climb out or drown. I looked it up, and sure enough, there was a video of someone doing the same thing for a centipede. Just lay still. It’ll work and quick too, I bet.”

  Carl lay silent as Jessica poured more, and more water in.

  “I can feel it moving.” Carl sounded like he was going to be sick.

  “Fuck!” Jessica shouted the word, startled as the centipede, suddenly, came crawling out of Carl’s ear in a hurry, speeding over his shoulder, and dropping off the side of the recliner, to the floor, before she could hardly blink much less act.

  “It’s out! It’s out!” she shouted to Carl.

  “Where is it?” he shouted in response, not feeling able to breathe right, quite yet nor sit up.

  “I don’t knoooow!” Jessica cried in frustration, as she stomped her feet, and moved about in a tizzy, a deep distress at not knowing where the centipede had disappeared to seizing her.

  After a long moment of silence, she screamed again.

  “FUCK!!! I lost it! I lost the fucking thing, Carl! I’m so sorry!”

  Carl blindly reached for her. He touched her side, and grabbed her shirt, pulling her toward him. He was measuring his breathing in between words.

  “It’s ok, baby. It’s ok. You did great. You got the damn thing out of my head. That’s the most important part. You’re a champ. I love you.”

  Carl stopped talking at that point, and focused on breathing, to get the asthma attack under control.

  Jessica grabbed the bottle of tequila in the cabinet, took two shots then sat down to eat pancakes while she kept a close eye on Carl.

  *****

  That night the lights stayed on. Jessica had gone to the store, to buy ear plugs for them, earlier in the day, and they both said muffled goodnights, after firmly placing the foamies in each ear. Jessica, also, wore underwear to bed, something Carl knew she hated, with a passion. But she was concerned that, if it could crawl in an ear, it might be able to crawl up there, too. The mere mention caused her whole upper body to shudder in distaste and with a hostile aversion.

  She got no argument from Carl. Hell, after hearing Jessica’s fear he put his underwear on, afraid the centipede might bite his dick or crawl up his ass. They slid the little black eye blinders over their heads too, something else Jessica thought of, to help them sleep with the lights on.

  Jessica rubbed Carl’s back, and tried to lighten the mood.

  “Hey baby. Sleep tight…” Her voice trailed off, as she paused.

  “Don’t you dare do it,” Carl said, bluntly.

  “Don’t let the bed bugs bite!” Jessica blurted it out, busting out, laughing as she did so.

  Carl rolled over, and started tickling her, his fingers scratching lightly all over her, trying to simulate a centipede’s legs crawling over her. Jessica’s body twitched and turned and bucked and rolled.

  “Stop it! Stop it!” she cried, with a limp authority Carl could never respect, but he stopped anyway, out of mercy and a desire to get to sleep and stop thinking about the heinous critter.

  “You little shit,” Jessica said deadpan, and giggled a bit.

  “You started it,” Carl responded. “Just sayin. Don’t kick the hornet’s nest, again.”

  He flashed a smile, and rolled back over.

  “Love you, babe.” She draped an arm over his waist, and drew close.

  “Love you too, Jess.”

  *****

  The next three nights passed uneventfully. Carl actually slept ok, but Jessica couldn’t stay asleep for any longer than twenty minutes, before waking up to look around. She did notice, both day and night, there still weren’t any roaches in their apartment.

  A search online revealed that centipedes eat roaches. But how many would there have to be, to keep out all those roaches in an infested place, like this building? That little thought did not help her sleep at all.

  The fifth evening after removing the centipede from Carl’s ear, they were sitting in the living room watching TV when Jessica saw Carl, out of the corner of her eye, jump out of the recliner and sprint into the kitchen. He started violently stomping the floor over and over, appearing to chase something across the floor as he missed, missed, missed and finally hit the target. He ground his foot back and forth, several times, before cautiously lifting it. There was a smear of innards on the linoleum, but the centipede carcass was imbedded in the tread of his shoe.

  “Gotcha! You little belly, crawling fucker!!!” he yelled, in triumph.

  Carl grabbed a napkin, and pulled the centipede off his shoe, and presented it for Jessica to see that, he, the mighty hunter, had killed their deadly enemy, then tossed its cursed carcass in the trash.

  Jessica applauded him, energetically.

  “Oh my God! Yes! I can finally sleep in peace, tonight! This deserves a toast!”

  Jessica retrieved the shot glasses, and poured two shots, drank one of them, and refilled it, then toasted with Carl, and downed the other.

  “I’m taking a sleeping pill tonight. I do not want to wake up for nothing. I need some quality rest.”

  Jessica grabbed one out of the medicine cabinet, downed it and told Carl she was laying down, naked.

  “Ooo la la!” Carl said, a little sarcastically, knowing there would be no sex after a sleeping pill. “I’ll be right there.”

  In no time, they were both out cold, content, and feeling secure, even without the lights, ear plugs and underwear.

  *****

  Carl was snatched from his blissful slumber, by Jessica jumping up and down on the bed, making sounds like an alley cat squalling, before a fight or sex, or both. He sat up and opened his eyes to see Jessica going, from jumping, to bent over, as her hips cringed backwards, and gyrated about, in a way, which was not the least bit sensual. Pain and hysteria had seized her. There could be only one possible explanation, it seemed to Carl and, at that moment, he had the strangest thought intrude upon his brain, in the midst of this chaotic fervor.

  “There is no possible combination of words that could possibly comfort a woman, who believes a centipede is cr
awling around up inside her twat.”

  “Nope. Not one,” he told himself, out loud, “Unh, unh.”

  He stared on, in shock, unable to completely accept, that this situation could actually be happening. It seemed more likely to be a dream, but Jessica’s next shriek hit such a high note and hurt Carl’s ears.

  The surreal quality, of what was happening, wore off, as if on cue, and his mental faculties began firing on all cylinders. Jessica had saved the day for him. He began thinking frantically, trying to determine what he could do, to save her from this hell that could only be exponentially worse than the centipede being inside his ear.

  “She has a centipede inside her vagina,” he thought again, and shivered at this terror, that no sane person would ever want to even consider, much less give voice to. But it was happening, and Carl needed to man the fuck up, and be the fucking hero, he told himself.

  Jessica fell flat on the bed, and began kicking, twisting and bucking wildly. She was like some crazy woman in a possession movie, where the priest is now waist deep in the exorcism rites, locked in mortal struggle with the demon, speaking in Latin, throwing holy water and gripping his crucifix as he presses it to the creature’s forehead, causing the demon to make the girl’s body go completely spastic. “That’s exactly what my wife looks like, right now,” he thought, mind sliding back, briefly, into a dumb morass of inaction, overcome by these traumatic and bizarre events.

  “Think, Carl. Think!” he slapped himself in the face, as he continued to speak out loud, to keep himself moving forward. “Aaarrgghh! Think! Think! Think! What can you do? Ummmm…If she used water in my ear, to make it want to leave, what the fuck can I use to do the same thing to her pussy??? Dammit, man! It’s not like I’ve got a fucking garden hose lying around! What can I do?!?!?”

  Carl palmed his forehead, hard, and something, suddenly, clicked.

  “A douche! A douche!” he exclaimed, an immensely exuberant look displaying his utter excitement at a possible solution.