Warm, Dark Places Are Best Read online

  “Fuck! Jess! Where do you keep your pack of strawberry douches?” She didn’t answer. In fact, she wasn’t screaming anymore. Carl looked over, and Jessica was unconscious, her body doing a little jig as some kind of mild seizure took control.

  Carl let loose a startled yelp but kept his composure. He ran to the bathroom, and looked under the counter, tossing stuff out, till he found the box of douches. He quick read the directions, and prepared two of them, just in case it took more water than he thought. Scrambling back into the bedroom, he inserted it into her vagina and began squeezing it in a steady manner, pushing the fluid up inside her.

  When the first one was empty, he tossed it aside, and picked up the other. He was getting ready to put it in, and start round two, when he saw a dark-colored antennae protrude from his wife’s vagina; something no man should ever have to imagine, much less watch.

  He waited, unconsciously holding his breath at this weird, totally alien encounter, something that, possibly, had never happened before in the history of mankind, he thought. His stomach knotted as another antennae appeared, followed by the glistening armored plates, a deep brownish-red in color, covering the head and each segment of the centipede, as it squeezed out, squirming back and forth to help free one set of legs at a time from Jessica’s labia. Every limb fluttered lightly up and down, independent of one another, meticulously searching for any point of purchase to pull the body out by.

  Carl felt light headed. The room was beginning to spin, the world flexing and relaxing with each breath he struggled to take in, the impossibility of what he was seeing, overwhelming his dire need to deny what his own eyes were telling him.

  “Lying eyes! Lying eyes!” he muttered, loudly to himself, closing them hard, and rubbing them vigorously, before opening them again, only to have the traitorous bastards reveal the inconceivable reality that was this insane moment of his life; drawn out like some man dropping from the gallows in slow motion, waiting for the noose to snap tight, and end it all. The inexorable dread of that moment was his presently, only elongated and exponentially more insidious.

  About seven inches of the giant centipede’s body was exposed now, as it continued to flail back and forth. A pale white belly peeked out, here and there, even as the large overlapping plates that covered each segment of its back flexed, side to side, and open and closed. It used the multi-jointed yellow and red legs to pull against both Jessica’s inner thighs as well as the new found comforter.

  Carl’s lungs closed up tight, and the wheezing began.

  The giant centipede secured sufficient traction as its legs hooked into the covers and pulled with an incredible strength, allowing it to rapidly extract the rest of itself from Jessica’s flooded vaginal canal.

  Life resumed normal speed for Carl as another six inches or more or appeared quickly before the centipede finally plopped out onto the bed, dual horn-like objects protruding from its rear, shaking at the ceiling in a flurry as it took off in an unpredictably snaking path, then disappeared over the edge of the bed and out of sight.

  Jessica’s seizures stopped about the same time Carl passed out from lack of oxygen.

  *****

  Jessica came to with a gasp, sitting up and covering her groin with both hands, the instinct to protect her currently most vulnerable and sensitive area kicking in with consciousness.

  The first thing she noticed was that it didn't hurt inside anymore. Not bad anyway. Just a dull ache, like the fading memory of something quite painful. The second thing she saw was Carl passed out in front of her...and she couldn’t tell whether he was breathing or not.

  She immediately located his inhaler, stuck it in his mouth and squeezed it, then pinched his nose, tilted his head back and blew into his mouth to try and make sure the medicine got to his lungs. After a couple of breaths Jessica listened to his chest. She could hear the heart doing its job, thump, thumping along. He was breathing too, just ultra-shallow.

  After a minute of intense inspection, Carl coughed hard, and his inhalations became normal again, if somewhat labored.

  Jessica let out a huge sigh. This wasn't the first time it had happened. She'd had to force the medicine into his lungs while he was unconscious a handful of times over the last 12 years of their marriage, but it always freaked her out.

  She looked around, trying to figure out what had happened. She observed a large wet spot where her hips had been, when she passed out. There was a very narrow, light trail of water snaking across the covers and off the bed. She suspected that might have been a centipede running off…but to make that wide of a trail, it would have been huge. Upon scanning the room further, she observed a full douche laying on the bed, and an empty one on the floor.

  She looked at Carl with nothing but love, her face softening, as she considered what he must have gone through, seeing her pass out, and then having to use a douche on her, and watch a centipede crawl out of the place that he always craved to be inside, himself.

  He had surely scrambled, to come up with a way to get it out of her, while working himself up into a panic, eventually passing out, when the asthma attack put his lungs on full lockdown.

  Jessica felt closer to him right then, than she had in some time. Lying down, she curled up against Carl and rubbed his chest lightly till he finally woke up.

  *****

  "I swear to God, Jess! I am not messing with you! That thing was as long as my fucking forearm and a good inch and a half or more in width! I'm fucking scarred for life, after watching that thing crawl out of your cooch. All squirming and flailing around," Carl sat forward in the recliner, as he made twisting and flopping movements with his hands and arms to illustrate what he meant. It clearly grossed Jessica out by the contortions her face went through, after blanching at the thought of it.

  Carl didn’t want her to possibly puke, so he decided to pursue a little humor, to break the granite level tension.

  "I’m telling you, it was having to struggle damn hard to defeat the suction power of those wonderfully soft sugar walls you got there."

  Carl pointed at her crotch, to further indicate the location meant by ‘there’. A smile began to creep across his face, as he tried not to laugh at his own joke. Jess stared back at him, hard, flustered by the timing of his off-color humor, but the more he smiled and giggled the closer she visibly came to laughing.

  At last, unable to hold it back any longer, a snicker followed by a short burst of giggles escaped once the seal was broken. She slapped Carl on the arm, but never stopped smiling the whole time.

  "The suction power of my sugar walls, huh?"

  "Your wonderfully soft sugar walls," Carl corrected her, index finger held up to emphasize he was reiterating a very crucial point. Jessica’s eyes sparkled, and her mouth made an ‘O’. Carl suspected some memory in her cold storage, had just been thawed out.

  “Dammit! I just realized you went full’ Sheena Easton’ on me. Sugar Walls!” She pushed him away, playfully. “Get outta here!” She waved him off with both hands.

  The shit-eating grin spreading across Carl’s face beamed bright enough it caused Jessica to laugh so hard, she snorted. Carl cackled in response, and Jessica snorted again. They both busted out in unrestrained hilarity for some time, unable to stop themselves, tears rolling down their cheeks and ribs hurting.

  By the time they settled back down, Jessica appeared quite relaxed, as if a load of tension had been released inside her body, all the way down to her toes and fingertips.

  "I just can't believe the size of the centipede you're describing,” she said, out of the blue. “I mean, I've heard of it; just not around here, though. You know?”

  “I’ve never heard of it at all, but I felt like I was in that King Kong movie, with Jack Black, for a minute; watching Andy Serkis get eaten by that giant nightmare creature that should not be named.”

  The grin began to blossom again.

  “Knock it off.”

  Jessica put the smack-down on any further silliness. Carl kn
ew that look. It was time to do business, and figure out just what the hell was going on.

  "OK," Carl frowned slightly, and adopted a serious tone. "How do you feel…down there? And by the way, have you ever had seizures before? Because you sure as hell looked like you were having one when you passed out.”

  Jessica looked surprised at the mention of seizures.

  “Well, down there feels fine, right now. No more serious pain and no more squirmy wiggles, just a little bit of soreness. As far as seizures, my mom used to get grand mal seizures every now and then. I had one when I was a teenager after having a panic attack.”

  “Alright. That explains that, pretty much, I think. I don’t feel so worried now. You seem fine.” He let his voice trail off with an interrogative tone, waiting for Jessica to confirm his assessment.

  Jessica nodded her head.

  “I do feel fine. A little fatigued, but that’s common after a seizure. No biggie. My mom rode ‘em out like a champ all the time. No doctor needed.”

  Carl gave her a look of pure skepticism.

  “What!?” she challenged. “I’m fine, and I’m not going to needlessly burden us with any medical debt that can be avoided.”

  “And you’re sure those sugar walls are unharmed?”

  Carl winked at Jessica, a mischievous look mixed with true concern.

  “I mean, you know I’ve invested a lot in that product.” Carl placed a hand over his heart to show his sincerity and commitment. “I can’t be having it ruined. Though I don’t think I’ll be able to touch it till after your next period when you’ve shed all those corrupted skin cells. I mean, just the thought right now is kind of turning my stomach a little.”

  Carl faked a burp.

  “Oh yeah. That was, uh…chunky.”

  Jessica picked up a couch pillow and threw it at Carl’s head. His arms flinched upward just in time to cover his face.

  “You little shit! Knock it off,” she said, pointing her slender index finger at his face as if she wished it was stabbing him.

  She stormed over to the computer and sat down, but he saw the glimpse of a smile tugging at the corner of her mouth as she turned away.

  Jessica spun around for one last parting shot.

  “And I’ll have you know, the douche you used in me was perfectly capable of cleaning me out…but I am going to shower as soon as I look something up.”

  She faced the computer again, and her fingers began rattling away on the keys. It didn’t take long before Carl heard her sharply suck in wind. He looked up to see both Jessica’s hands covering her mouth.

  “OH MY FUCKING GAWD,” she said loudly, then started waving frantically for Carl to come over to the computer. “You have GOT to see this Carl!”

  Carl quickly walked up behind Jessica, bending over her shoulder to get a good look at the screen. Jessica clicked ‘Play’ and everything went in motion. Some guy was holding up a giant centipede just like the one Carl had seen crawl out of Jessica. It was easily a foot long. Probably a little longer.

  “Scolopendra gigantea,” Carl repeated what he heard the guy say on the video.

  “That’s what you saw crawl out of me?!? It was that big?!???” Jessica twisted her head around and looked at Carl with absolute incredulity.

  “Baby, that is exactly what I saw crawl out of you.” Carl tapped the screen for emphasis.

  Jessica looked back at the monitor and just stared at it in awe. A shiver ran up her spine, causing her whole body to shudder briefly.

  “Fuck me,” Jessica said plainly, wiping her hands down her face. “This is just too fucking crazy. It says here these are native to South America and the Caribbean. There’s also another type found in Vietnam that can get really big too.”

  Jessica paused for a long moment then more mumbled to herself than Carl, “What the fuck are they doing in our apartment?”

  *****

  That night, at bed, the lights were on, ear plugs were in, and Jessica had even dug out some old cough masks, like they issued people to wear in ER waiting rooms when they were infectious. Those were strapped in place, covering both their mouths and noses. Jessica was freshly showered for the third time that day, her vagina thoroughly scoured with soap and a tampon soaked with more of the douche liquid inserted inside to both help further sanitize her lady parts overnight, and make damn sure nothing could possibly crawl inside her. Underwear were added for additional shielding.

  It took an hour or more, but they fell asleep.

  Sometime later, it was a pulling sensation, on her underwear, that started to bring Jessica out of her slumber. She was fetal, on her side, facing Carl, when a sensation of insect legs registered on the back of her upper thighs, and there was a distinct pulling of her underwear directly over her vaginal entrance. Every one of her muscles contracted in some instinctive acrobatic maneuver that sent her body spinning towards her side of the bed, completely lifted above the mattress. She landed like a cat on all fours and immediately saw the scolopendra.

  “God, this can’t be happening,” her mind told her, but she knew it was. It started to scramble towards the edge of the bed, but Jessica’s brain was in the fight, now. She grabbed the blanket, with both hands spread apart, lifted it, then slammed the material down over the giant insect’s body. Without hesitating, Jessica tracked her hands inward, till she isolated the centipede and trapped it with the covers in a very small space. The outline of it twisting and turning was clearly visible.

  Carl’s hand appeared out of nowhere. He had launched into action just behind Jessica, grabbing a pocket knife, and opening it while Jessica did her part. He pressed the blade down across the hidden form, pressing in roughly till he heard, and felt, the exoskeleton cracking, then he dragged the edge across it, maintaining a strong downward pressure. The blanket opened up like a zipper as he felt the knife cut fully through the centipede’s body.

  He pulled the blade back and looked at it. There was a dark brown viscous smear on each side of it. He and Jess could both see the divided body parts spastically twitching and thrashing around through the slit in the cover, but it wasn’t enough for Jessica. She pulled the blanket back all the way to see clearly.

  It was cut into three pieces, the blade having sliced through it while it was partially curled up. Carl scanned the body till he found the segment with the large pincers, then immediately brought the edge down; bisecting it just below the chitinous plate protecting the centipede’s head. The pieces continued moving for some time despite the vivisection and decapitation.

  Carl retrieved a gallon size Ziploc bag. After putting all the segments inside, he sealed it and threw it down on the bed, frustration evident despite their victory.

  “Tomorrow, I’m gonna ask Derek and his friends about this freakin’ monster.” He pointed at the bag. “As much as they roam this place, I can’t believe that they haven’t at least seen one of these around the complex at some point, or heard rumor of some sighting. And, I’m going to call our piece of shit landlord and demand he hire an exterminator….Fuck this shit.”

  *****

  “What the fuck do you mean you ‘can’t hire an exterminator’? I’ve got the corpse of a friggin’ giant centipede in a motherfucking gallon-size Ziploc baggie….You think I’m exaggerating? I’m holding it in my god damn hand!!!”

  Jessica stared at Carl, as he paused again to listen to the response of the landlord on the other end; all the while pacing like a caged animal, ready to attack anything that came near it. His neck muscles were rigid with rage. She hadn’t seen him this pissed off in a very long time, but she knew his anger at life in general had been simmering for years, now. This was definitely a righteous cause for him to vent some of that pent up hostility and frustration that he had been fighting to restrain for so long.

  Carl’s whole body stopped all movement at once, right before words exploded from his mouth, the rest of his torso and head shaking like volcanic earth, as the top is blown away in a pyroclastic cloud of destruction.


  “WHAAAAAAAT?!?!?” Carl yelled, holding the phone out in front of his face, momentarily, to fully scream in it - his tone of voice ratcheted up several octaves, his face beet red. “I tell you what then, you fucking prick: if another one of these giant bastards shows up, and hurts my wife I’ll be on your doorstep faster than you can call the police, and I will fuck you up!!!! And, as an additional bonus, you piece of shit, I’ll bring the cocksucker over there, and let him crawl down your motherfucking throat!!!!”

  Carl threw the cordless phone across the room, into the couch cushions, and screamed, head arced back.

  “FUUUUUCCKKKK!!! That mother-fucking bastard said it wasn’t his responsibility! Can you believe that bullshit, Jess?”

  He turned to her livid with frustration, and just wanting her to acknowledge his right to feel it.

  “It’s ok, honey.” Jessica stood and walked over to him, slipping her arms around his waist from behind him. “You tried. And you’re right. He’s a piece of shit landlord running a piece of shit apartment complex. We’ll handle things ourselves. OK? We’ll make it work. It’s ok.”

  She rubbed his stomach and chest lightly, rhythmically, as she spoke. In a minute, his body began to relax, the tremors subsiding, till he was still. She felt him breath in deep, chest expanding, then blow it all out, at a slow, measured rate.

  “How ‘bout you go talk with Derek and the boys, and see what they know? I think that’s a solid starting point.”

  Carl turned around, and kissed her on the forehead, before giving her a long hug.

  “You got it, baby. I love you. I’ll be back in a little bit.”

  Jessica kissed him on the lips once, and he walked out the door, the Ziploc bag in hand.

  *****

  Carl didn’t have to search far, at all. Derek and the boys were outside, burning cockroaches with their homemade flamethrowers.